abeo Richard's Jokes

English Jokes

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It's always darkest just before dawn. So if you're going to steal the flowers from your neighbour's garden, that's the time to do it.Zawsze tuz przed wschodem jest najciemniej. Wiec jesli masz zamiar ukrasc kwiaty z ogrodka sasiada – zrob to wlasnie wtedy.

Dzieki dla Dzozef
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.Najlepszy sposob na podwojenie pieneidzy to zlozyc banknoty na pol i schowac do kieszeni.


Dzieki dla Dzozef
Marek is trying to sell a computerised crystal ball he has invented to a marketing executive, but the executive is very skeptical. "Go ahead" says Marek, "Type in a question." So the executive types, 'Where is my father?' After a brief pause the crystal ball answers, 'Your father is fishing in Scotland.'

"I knew it was a load of rubbish" said the executive, "My father has been dead for the last twenty years!" Totally unfazed, Marek says, "Ask the question in a different way." The executive types, 'Where is my mothers husband?' The answer comes back, 'Your mothers husband has been dead for twenty years. Hey! ..... Your father's just caught a ten kilogram salmon."
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A man went up to a LOT counter at Warsaw airport. He handed over his ticket and then placed three suitcases on the check-in scales. "I'm going to London" he said to the ticket girl, "But I would like the blue suitcase sent to Paris, the brown one to Rome and the beige one to New York."

"We can't do that" replied the girl.

"Why not?" asked the man. "You managed to do it two weeks ago .... and without me asking!"
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An alarm clock is a device for waking up people who don't have small children.Budzik to urzadzenie do budzenia ludzi, ktorzy nie maja malych dzieci.


Dzieki dla Jasio
The new supermarket near my house has an automatic water mister to keep produce fresh.
Just before it starts, you hear the sound of thunder and experience the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk shelves, you hear cows mooing and smell the scent of fresh grass.

When you approach the egg display, you hear hens clucking and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore!
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Little Johnnie went to the dentist surgery on his way home from school. "My mum told me to make an appointment to see the dentist" he said to the receptionist.

"The dentist is out at the moment" replied the receptionist, "But I can ......... "

"No! No! It's OK" interrupted a relieved little Johnnie, "Can you tell me when the dentist will be out again please?"

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A family of five were standing outside the monkey house of the Moscow Zoo. "If we stand here long enough" said the father, "One of the monkeys will throw food to us." Piecioosobowa rodzina stala na zewnatrz malpiego wybiegu w Moskiewskim Zoo. "Jezeli postoimy tu dluzej" powiedzial ojciec "to jedna z tych malp rzuci w nas jedzeniem"


Dzieki Marta Gryko
Biology is the only science in which multiplication and division mean the same thing.Biologia jest jedyna nauka, w ktorej mnozenie i dzielenie znacza to samo.


Dzieki dla MarcinW
Did you hear about the Russian who was given a pair of water skis as a birthday present?

He's still looking for a lake that slopes downhill.
Slyyszales o Rosjaninie ktory dostal narty wodne na urodziny?

Wciaz szuka pochylego jeziora!


Dzieki dla Zielone Oczy
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